Help! I Wrote to Prudie for Advice and Rainbow Rowell Answered. (2024)

We’re helping you finish up your summer reading by asking some of our favorite authors to step in as Prudie for the day and give you advice. This is part of ourGuest Prudieseries.

Today’s columnist is number one New York Timesbestselling author, Rainbow Rowell. She is the author of Eleanor & Park, Fangirl,and several other award-winning novels and comics. Her new book for adults—Slow Dance—is out now.

We asked Rowell to weigh in on a search for a missing cat, outgoing co-workers, and family visits:

Dear Prudence,

About six months ago, my girlfriend’s cat escaped and ran away. It’s been missing ever since. Three weeks ago, she “found” him on a social media post about a stray cat, went and got him, and is ridiculously happy to have him back. She blamed herself for him getting out and had terrible intrusive thoughts about the awful things that could have happened to him. So getting him back unharmed has done amazing things for her well-being.

The thing is it’s not the same cat. It looks like him, a big tuxedo tom, but I’m 98 percent positive it’s not. Some of the differences could be put down to trauma—he doesn’t seem to recognize her, isn’t potty trained anymore, and has a completely different reaction to catnip, so I tried to let it go. Then I was trying to groom him the other night and he doesn’t have the same scar he used to on his belly. There’s a chance I missed it, he wasn’t exactly enjoying getting the mats clipped out, but… Do I tell her? I feel like I should, but at the same time, I don’t know what it would accomplish except to plunge her back into depression. There’s a stray cat that’s got a new home where he’ll be loved, under a new name (and he’s a nice cat! Seems a bit confused, but does enjoy indoor life). My girlfriend is happy. I’m fairly sure her old cat is dead, he was an indoor cat his whole life. And it’s not like I can prove he’s not her cat. There’s no DNA test to be done. At the same time, I’ve always thought it was awful to lie to your significant other. Especially when it’s about something that sounds selfless but will improve your life since my girlfriend isn’t depressed anymore and we don’t have to search for cats.

—It’s a Cat

Dear It’s a Cat,

I am not sure what the correct path is here but I’m going to tell you what I would do.

I’d feel dishonest not mentioning my suspicion that this is a different cat. And I wouldn’t like tiptoeing around the magical realism of the situation—I don’t even like telling lies like this to my kids. I wouldn’t be comfortable treating my girlfriend as if she was a kid. If I were in your girlfriend’s position, and I found out that my partner was humoring my delusion for months, I’d feel foolish and embarrassed, and it might affect my trust in that person.

So I would probably find a gentle way to mention it: “Didn’t Socks have a scar here, or am I remembering that wrong? Do you think that it healed?”

THAT SAID, I shared this question with my husband, and he completely disagreed with me. He said: The cat is happy, your girlfriend is happy—why upset the situation with unprovable doubts? He especially keyed into how deeply distraught your girlfriend was before. “Don’t tell her, and don’t feel bad about this.” (Why, yes, this did turn into a sleepy argument about all the things my husband might not be telling me for my own good.)

I think it comes down to what sort of person you are. Can you let this go and enjoy a happy girlfriend and a happy cat? Or is it going to feel heavy forever? If so, mention it gently, and then let it go.

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Dear Prudence,

This is a pretty low-stakes question about an annoying co-worker. I have a co-worker who’s constantly asking me to go out and drink with him after work—like every day. He’s in his late 40s, recently split up with his wife, and is new to our city—so it feels it’s like a mid-life crisis type of thing for him. I’m down for a night out on the town once every couple of weeks, but most nights, I just want to go home and watch TV with my boyfriend and my dog. I’m kind of extroverted-introvert, in that I’ll close down the bar when I go out, but most days I’d rather fall asleep watching Bake Off on the couch in my apartment. Since I’m a bit younger (early 30s), I think he’s decided to cast me as his party wing-woman, and while I can happily play that role once in a while, I’m running out of excuses as to why I can’t go out every time.

It’s gotten to the point where I try to avoid him in the office and there’s only so many times I can claim to have a nail/hair appointment after work. My excuse rolodex has runneth dry. Is there a nice way to say to someone: “I like hanging out with you, but most of the time, I’d rather just be at home” without hurting their feelings? I work pretty closely with this guy, so I don’t want to make this a big deal.

—Party Pooper

Dear Party Pooper,

You can just say you’re tired! Do it in a friendly way. “Dude, I can’t go out this much. I’m tired/broke/not getting enough sleep. My boyfriend is forgetting my name. My dog doesn’t recognize me. I haven’t done laundry since May.” Cast yourself as the pathetic one if it helps. You’re not built for this much partying.

You didn’t mention this, but if you were my friend, I’d feel like I had to warn you: A guy who’s fresh off a breakup and wants to go out with you every night might be casting you as more than his wingwoman. Even more reason to set some boundaries.

How to Get Advice

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, tryCare and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I am struggling with my relationship with my sister. She’s 60, I’m 66—you’d think we would have figured it out by now but no. She lives on the opposite coast, where we grew up, but frequently visits within a couple of hours of me. But she doesn’t visit me. I’ll see on social media that she was nearby but I rarely get a call to come meet her for coffee or a meal. Any time I do get that call I immediately accept and make the effort to go see her. I’ve also always traveled to see her—sometimes I stay with her and sometimes I get a rental.

Numerous times in the past 35 years we’ve made plans to travel together and whenever the time to commit arrived, she backed out. I no longer offer any plan like that—either I go to her town or I meet her when and if she gives me an opening to do so. I know that part of the problem is that I find her husband difficult. I’m liberal and involved with local politics, he’s a conservative with libertarian leanings. But we rub along pretty well. She’s extremely conflict-averse, whereas her husband and I enjoy getting into the weeds occasionally. I try not to be drawn into an argument because I know it’s hard for her to hear. And If my husband is present, he’s wonderful at keeping things from ever going to a place of heated discussion.

I haven’t seen her in person since 2019. In the past couple of years, she and her husband have built a vacation house on my side of the country. It’s not close (about five hours from me) but it’s closer than she is when we’re both at home. Last week, she said that she and her husband were going to be at the vacation house and that they were going to drive there. The logical route brings her within an hour or so of my house. I immediately said, “Oh, please come spend the night with us!” “Oh no,” she said, “We can’t do that, but maybe we could meet for lunch on our way.” I’m really sad about this. We’ve recently done a ton of work to our house and I’d like to show her and I’d just like a longer visit with her. Do I tell her how sad I am or continue to accept whatever space and time she’s able to give?

—Lonely Sister

Dear Lonely Sister,

I’m sorry this relationship feels so one-sided. If this were a friendship, I’d probably tell you to let it wither on your end and move on. But it’s your little sister. Of course you want to be close to her.

You could try to talk to her… Tell her you miss her. Ask her if you’ve done something to make her uncomfortable. But I know how risky that feels. She’s conflict-averse. It might make things worse.

I think that if what you really want is time with your sister, you just have to stay open and keep putting yourself out there. Drive an hour to meet her for lunch. Reach out to her when you have happy news. Ask if you can come visit when she’s in your neck of the woods. And try not to nurse your hurt feelings when she says no.

Also, stop arguing with her husband. You know she doesn’t like it. And it’s the only thing you have the power to control here. Don’t waste your precious time together doing something that pushes her away.

—Rainbow

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